College Life According to Bret Easton Ellis

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*WARNING* Contains mature content and mild language. Read at your own risk.*

A message, a warning,

to all you Generation Wuss-lings

Freshmen don’t OD

They slit themselves with plastic knives,

hang themselves with Ralph Lauren ties,

and chase after older men and women.

They’ll soon discover that

no one will ever know

who Lauren Hynde is,

and all they can do

is jerk off Paul Denton

underneath the table at the Pub.

Sophomores change majors faster

than Sean Bateman goes through a pack of Beck’s.

Sophomores reserve severe hatred for their older

yuppie brothers who gut the shit out of their

sex partners, work rivals, and Louis Vitton models

who perish tragically because they ordered a tuna cappuccino

instead of a carpaccio.

And those damn juniors, those pedantic pricks

who read Donna Tartt like the Bible but only

like The Secret History, those little shits

who write ABANDON ALL HOPE,

YE WHO ENTER HERE

over recital halls and administration office doorways

Damn them for murdering the history majors with

large Nietzsche anthologies, those corpses strewn,

sprawled in ravines with bloody, battered skulls.

and the seniors, the totally fucked up bunch,

whose gold teeth are pulled out and pawned,

who look fondly at the future that looms ahead

with signs that read DISAPPEAR HERE and

JULIAN GIVES GREAT HEAD AND IS DEAD in large red letters,

a future with Fatburgers that have no chili and too much ketchup

The real tragedy is when those fucked-up seniors

Walk away, and walk not into a promising future

but straight into darkness, where Clay’s younger sisters ask,

“Is he for sale?”

Born and raised in CA. Film, literature, music, poetry, mostly gay/queer/GSM topics. Stick around if I haven’t bored you yet.

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